Jacaranda bloomingThursday, November 12, I opened up my computer and hoped for a change. Santiago and I had fought (really, had been fighting for a few weeks), and had talked about me changing my ticket to go back to Colorado early. His position was clear and firm: this is not the time for us. I felt the same, but I was conflicted between my resolve to stay and try to work it out; and my instinct to run home to my cocoon. I needed a sign to tell me which way to go. So when I opened the computer to send an email to the airline about changing my ticket, I was surprised by what I found in my inbox.

Sender: Kiva
Subject: Official Placement for your Kiva Fellowship
Body: “”Dear Kati … We are pleased to offer you an official placement at Prisma Honduras, S.A.”

My heart started beating fast, I began imagining all the fruit trees in tropical Honduras, and I took it as God/the universe telling me, “Dear Kati, I am pleased to offer you an official opportunity to MOVE ON”. I booked my ticket home. The days that followed with my beloved Buenos Aires and my boyfriend were blissful. I spent delicious time drinking wine, eating ice cream, and listening to music with my dear Ines and her roommates Caroline and Rob. I said a nice goodbye to Santiago’s family, and got one last play-session in with baby Bruno. I had a farewell at the bar with shots of chili vodka poured straight down my throat, tearful hugs, and sincere promises to regresarme pronto (return soon). My boss, Lenny, said “Kati, you know, we’re really going to miss our employee of the month”. I chuckled, “In the sense that I was your employee for just one month?” “Exactly”, he teased.

Santiago and I discussed the things we’d been too afraid to talk about, showed the affection we’d been timidly concealing, and realized how much fun we could actually have together when we weren’t stressed out. It was as if we had spent our weeks together trying to coordinate a dance in front of a warped fun-house mirror, and then suddenly the planes of the mirror evened out and we saw our true reflections. But we were still just looking at images of ourselves and each other. We aren’t ready to face one another directly.

Now I am back in Colorado. I miss Santiago and my upside-down life as a bartender. But I like the rhythm of home. I attend yoga classes with my dad and chop up fruits and veggies and fresh ginger to juice with my mom. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving, and looking out for a job. I am heading towards Honduras, my Next Big Thing, and I am so thankful that its face is becoming clearer to me.